In preparation to write a blog entry today, I closed out several screens of commentary about Russia, health-care, Sean Spicer, Robert Mueller and so on. As I opened up a new document on my computer, I felt a bit at odds with myself and the world, trying to drum up something useful to write about yoga practice, teaching and spiritual growth. Truth be told, writing blog entries has been difficult for me since the presidential election, since watching our country careen toward the end of democracy makes the debate about “music or not in class” or “groupons vs. class pass” or “should the hips be square in Vira 1” and “do my next webinar” seem somewhat shallow and self-serving.
Reading or contributing to commentaries about the problems with modern yoga has also felt strange to me since November. Something woke up inside me the morning after the election that made me feel that squabbling about yoga in any way was a luxury I no longer have. I am not saying that there is no place for good, honest critique. In fact, I think we need critical thinking, discernment and clarity more than ever right now. But, if I am to have any hope that our political leaders might journey across the political aisle for the betterment of our society, I might as well start working toward peace within the yoga communities and let a lot of shit go.
Personally, I know I need the sanity and sanctuary that my practice provides me without the distraction of doubt, fault-finding and petty jealousies. I am talking here about the level of intrigue, shit-talking and suspicion that exists within yoga communities, not the valid concern about the exploitation of power dynamics, social inequities and traumatization that happens in yoga communities claiming to help people heal.
So, while there are problems galore to be explored, none of them exist between me, my mat and my practice. Give me a few minutes and few downward dogs, and I feel better. And I need and want that “better.”
And even without the dramatic political landscape of which we are all now a part, and even if the world of yoga was a utopia— which it isn’t and never will be, in my opinion— my personal life now involves living with my parents in a new place and adapting to a big shift of priorities on a daily basis, which has altered my perspectives considerably.
At any rate, so we are clear, I am not ignorant of what is going on in the political arena, I am simply choosing not to write much about it here. And certainly, I am not blind to the many problems that seem to plague the industry in which I work, but I am not so interested in writing about them here. And, much of my life with my parents is not my story to tell, but involves personal details that belong to other people, which feel important to safeguard.
I suppose that is what is on my mind a lot these days—what it means to safeguard one another’s personhood in some way.
When my mom had a stroke four years ago, Kelly and I were with Mom and Dad in the Galapagos Islands. We had to evacuate Mom from our small cruise ship in the middle of the ocean to a mainland hospital in Ecuador. So, instead of a 10-day, vacation tour of the islands, we spent six days in a hospital in Quito.
During that time in Ecuador, I reached out to a mentor of mine who had taken care of her mother at the end of her mother’s life. I made an offhand comment that what I was going through with Mom and Dad felt like a bit of a role reversal. She said, “It would probably be best for you and them not think of it that way. What you have is an opportunity to return the care that was given to you.”
I took this perspective to heart during that trip and have leaned on her advice during this current transition into a new iteration of family life. I do not want to parent my parents and I am pretty sure they do not want that from me either. I do want to care for them and help them care for themselves and to invest some of my time and energy in helping make their golden years a bit more golden. It is my honor and privilege to return the care that they gave me.
Of course, it is not sexy work. Caring for human beings is often messy and many times, mundane. Cooking, cleaning, bathing, talking, planning, driving, and so on define the structures of the day and become the way one spends a somewhat inordinate amount of time and energy. I am not complaining, mind you. And, all of you who have mothered and fathered children know the reality I am describing better than me. The amount of time required to simply create the structures in which a dignified life can occur is somewhat awe-inspiring.
I thought I knew.
I did my best to support those doing this work.
I didn’t know.
At any rate, a dignified life is what I want for my parents. And what I want for myself with them. And, a sense of dignity is what I have always wanted from my life of practice.
Not to be confused with some kind of false sense of imported formality, the dignity of which I speak is sourced— not in social niceties or through conforming to the outer expectations of others — but in a connection with something more intrinsic and essential. I call this connection Love and I feel it in my heart as a sense of “rightness” that has a quality of inspired groundedness. And when I am referenced in this Love, my own personhood is safeguarded from the many demons and entities wanting to feed on it and I am more able to stand guard at the gate for the people I love so that they can remain as whole as possible amidst the ravages of life's inevitable challenges.
I am interested in those things that help me access this state of embodied mind and heart that I call Love. I am interested in those teaching and practices that create strength and confidence in this connection.
Many of us glimpse this Love in asana, I think. And many of us who teach— for all our fantasies and flaws, which seem to be considerable— want very deeply to serve the recognition of this Love in others. And while the pressure to pay the bills-- to keep up with the trends and the demands of the marketplace-- turn the best of us into crazy people at times, still, we stay in the game because we have tasted something Real in and through the practice and through our somewhat haphazard attempts to lead others along the path.
So, while the world is lurching along toward its own ends and while our industry has its very real problems, you will find me making breakfast (and lunch and dinner), growing a garden, practicing asana, helping mom with her bath and going to the doctor with my dad. You will find me practicing asana, hiking mountains, playing with my dog and making time for date night with my husband.
And, when the planets align and Luck smiles, I will sit down and write a bit about my process in case— just in case— some part of my journey helps you along yours.
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"There is a light that shines beyond all things on Earth, beyond us all, beyond the heaven, beyond the highest, the very highest heavens. This is the light that shines in our heart."